Smiling happy.

"Life is the most precious gift of the universe. We must be grateful for our time on Earth regardless how short or long it maybe. We must honour the body and soul and never forget that all things have meaning and reason. To be envious of others because that is considered as a sin against ourselves; we are not recongizing our own gifts that were given to us and our own abilities."

I was told that every single day.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's a useful reminder to keeping myself satisified with myself.

I used to wish I was someone else but me. I used to hate myself.

I guess that's a phase everyone goes through, nothing that special.

I remember when I was younger i didn't care about what other people thought or said about me.

I'm trying to be what i was before.

indifferent to what the population of "my world" thought.

but as I grew up, got seperated from the good group of friends i had that made me so careless, I started to care.

I started to care because i lost the group of friends who were my retreat from what other people said to me. I started to care because I suddenly began to feel different. and i wasn't respected.
and started to feel lonely.

I thought that nobody would want to be my friend because i was different from they were. So i thought, instead of being alone and friendless, what if i tried to be more like them and get some new friends?

that was my mistake.

i disguarded myself and who i was.

people didn't like me because i was quiet and unsure of myself.

they thought i was uptight and snobby when actually i was shy and sad.

and then my friend commited suiside

she jumped off her apartment building.

I remember, when we were young i was looking down at the streets below from her apartment.

and I felt this "werid" sensation to actually jumping.

I was around seven or eight so I didn't understand why I felt like jumping from the 20th floor.

and it wasn't like I was depressed. I don't even think I understood what suiside meant back then.

It was random.

I told her about it when she came back and she agreed with me.

I still feel like I could helped her.

We promised to keep in contact through out our middle school years but because we moved to seperate schools and lives it was hard.

But i keep telling myself that I should have tried harder to be there.

I should've tried.

I'm not saying it's all my fault.

i'm saying i should have been a better friend and called her every night.

i didn't even know that people were bullying her.

i thought she didn't trust me enough as a friend. as a human being to talk about stuff like that.

i thought i had no real value and worth.

I began to consider death too.

why live if you're always depressed and have no meaning to conitnue?

but Then I thought ...
if that's what tanya thought, and left so much pain for my to bear.
what if someone starts to feel this way to?

i felt so bad, and I could think about leaving this much pain for another person.

so here I am.


I then moved to West Humber C.I. after I graduated from middle school (the place I hated)

I had a second chance.

after all that praying for change in my life.

it happened.

The thing is, i'm glad i stuck around and got this far. I'm glad i didn't throw it all away.

I think I'm alittle stronger now. I'm alittle wiser and a bit deaf to the cus words people say about me.

sure. sometimes it does get to me.

but I make sure i bounce back with a smile.